Monday, November 16, 2015
It is ok to be me....
I think my life has always been some sort of struggle for me. I was unhappily married, I was a sickly person/kid/adolescent/adult, I was diagnosed with lupus, I let myself be a horrible relationship post-marriage....I was depressed. Yep. I was depressed. It took me soooooo long to realize that. It was such a horrible thing, or so I thought. I was ashamed, embarrassed, mad.....what the heck do I have to be depressed about? I mean, really. Then as I looked into my deep dark corners I realized...I am depressed. I found myself thinking life was not that great. I found myself angry for just being alive. I was just angry. I disliked everyone. Or almost everyone. I could not make myself dislike the Hawaiian. I wanted too. I REALLY wanted to. I just had to get there and the depression constantly made me think it was all my fault...not his. I was the screw up.. I was the bad guy. I am not pointing blame....but I will say this....he used me. He hurt me. It made me become someone I was not....someone I did not deserve to be. As I look back, I see it. It is just hard to see it when you are in that moment. I am now living with an amazing friend and her even more amazing kids (sorry Ash). I have no car....he took his back. I may lack things and space but I am happy. I am the me I always knew I could be. I am the care free, happy go lucky girl that hangs out with her friends and appreciates them. I am not the friend who hides from them to avoid being criticized and judged. I am still not the daughter or sister my family wants me to be but I am trying. I just want to be happy.....and it is not always easy. I am now dating....after a few months of being pissed off and hating me...I decided it was time. I am still unsure if I will ever marry again...but I know this.....I WILL BE HAPPY.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
What a difference a year makes....
This blog has taken me almost 2 years to write....2 years....In the process of writing it I have cried and realized sooooooo much about me. Read away..
Last year at this time my life was so different... I was in the process of a divorce...I was told I had cancer.....I fell in love. It is insane that so much can happen in such a relatively small time frame....
DIVORCE
Oye! That is a word I never thought I would write about myself. I am that girl who is loyal to the end. I trust someone until the ends of the earth and then some. I hate to think bad things about those I care about and love. I mean, how could I have friends or loved ones who do bad things? Just call me naive. Miss Naive if you do not mind. My divorce was something that should of happened years ago... We were not happy and had not been happy in so long. We both were just too comfortable (or maybe lazy) to get divorced. We had not shared a bedroom in 3 years, we barely spoke...his drinking had become an even bigger issue. It was a bad situation but we both knew that it was coming. I do not blame him for his drinking more...it was his escape. It was how he coped with being miserable. I just became a recluse. I stayed in my room or walked long walks by myself. I am sad to say that my divorce was my rebirth but in a way it was...It was probably the best decision I, or we, ever made. We are both much happier now...we are both much healthier now....all in all divorce was a win! I read that and I think I sound kind of cold about the end of my marriage...BUT we were miserable folks!
CANCER
Ok....now on to that ugly, horrible word. I read it and I swear I get nauseated. Last October I started having some insane abdominal pain...I mean fall down while walking kind of pain. It was horrific and it seemed every time it came on it was worse than the time before. One day while out with mom it hit...it hit to the point I fell to my knees...literally. I thought I was going to die right then and there at the Sam's in Hiram. (Could you imagine that local headline??) Well as my mom and I finished our adventure in shopping we headed back to the Parental Units....I thought to myself....please just let me make it back home and then I will go from there... Well. I tried to make it home. I got in my car and left Hiram...and had to pull over several times....either the nausea won or the pain had me seeing stars. I decided to drive myself straight to the Smyrna E.R. Once there I was taken back and informed they could not do anything for me until I had someone up who would drive me home....yep...since I drove myself to the ER I could not have any pain meds. Sooooooo. I got on my cell phone....in between bouts of vomiting...and begged every one I knew to please come save me. I may have even offered them money. I was hurting!! ( The lesson learned from this kids: if you are in pain...get a friend to take you to the hospital.) Well. Once someone arrived they medicated me....several times and found a mass in my abdomen. I at first thought oh, it is not big deal. That was until the nice doctor came in, held my hand and asked me to please go see my doctor. I tried to make light of it...but he then grabbed my hand and said "sweetie...please go asap." I think I got a little scared. Ok...maybe a lot scared. As I went home that night my nerves may have been a little bit of a wreck. The next day I called my doctor and she fit me in on a Tuesday. I went in...she had my paper work from the ER and she proceeded to do blood work. My doctor looked at me and said "April, I am sure it is nothing..I will call you later in the week to tell you, you are fine." I left her office with a settled mind and a settled bunch of nerves. That did not last long. As I was working that next day, a Wednesday, I got a phone call from my doctor...it went something like this..
"April?"
"yes."
"Dr. Fine said it is imperative you be at our office within the hour."
"Imperative? That sounds ominous." I giggled a little.
"So we will see you soon?" She did not giggle.
"I will see you soon."
I hung up the phone and I have to say I was a little bit worried. I mean she used the word "imperative."
The fear was in her voice AND in my stomach...literally and figuratively..
So what's a girl to do but call her mommy. I left work and met Mom at the doctor's office. I went in with a smile on my face, I mean hello....got to smile or cry. As I went in they took me and Mom to the doctor's office, not an exam room....it was THEN I knew it wasn't just a fluke. I knew. When my doctor came in and sat behind her big desk there were tears in her eyes....and she has always been this tough no nonsense doctor. She met my eyes and said "April, I was so sure it was nothing." I can not remember anything else she said after that. I remember her giving me the number to the oncologist, and telling me they were expecting my call...that their first appointment was Thursday. I remember my mom crying. I do not remember driving home. I do not remember the rest of that week. I remember calling an Oncologist the next week and making an appointment. I remember thinking...what the hell. This is so not cool. The next week Mom picks me up and off we go to Kennestone Obstetric & Gynecological Oncology Specialist. Dr. Carroll. Dr. Amy Carroll. If I have to have a cancer doctor....she is my woman. Her voice could calm any ones nerves. She gets your fear and concerns. She does not tell you what you want to hear. She tells you the reality of it. She was honest and made me see what it was for what it was. She said "April, your blood work shows you have ovarian cancer. Now let's send you for some more tests to see what else is going on." I never cried. Mom cried. I just couldn't. I do not know what was ever running through my head...still don't. I just knew the moment I broke down it was over. Mom and I left her office and went to have MORE blood work done. Dracula would have been soooooo jealous. AS we left the blood draw center Mom was saying, "it will be fine, I know it will be ok." I just changed the subject. Talking about it made it real. Typing it now makes me tear up (version 2.0 coming next) now, as it is all so dang scary..but in that moment. I could not deal with it. The next day Dr. Carroll called and asked me to come in. I knew then it was not because she just liked me. Mom and I (she just loves getting bad news with me) head back to the oncologist. There we learn that not only was the ovarian cancer test (CA 125 test) positive, so was the pancreatic cancer test (CA 19-9). It was a bit of a shock. Ok...a LOT of a shock. She then explained to me that in her tests she could see a mass in my abdomen, mass found in the e.r., as well as something around my appendix. We then decided to go forward with an appendectomy as well as a hysterectomy. Could never have babies anyway. It is ok. I took it all in...I left there I think in a bit of shock. I just kept thinking where in the world did I go so wrong. On October 31, 2013 I went into surgery being told I was having a hysterectomy as well has an appendectomy..and then we would go from there. I was taken back and the doctor explained what was going to happen. I was then prepped and put under.. I think the last clear memory I had was being poked in the stomach for it to be deadened. They poked and prodded and then I was asleep. I am sure hours passed but when I woke up there was family and friends and people smiling and crying.... then I was told.....it was not cancer. I am not sure if it was anesthesia of shock but I could not react. I think that in the path my past year had taken I was not going to get excited about anything. I was so confused. How can 2 different blood tests, multiple scans, several doctors get cancer wrong? I have no answer....I just know I did NOT have cancer. I had to remain under the oncologists care until the week of Thanksgiving. I remember that Tuesday before Thanksgiving I went for my last visit with Dr. Carroll and when I left, I cried. The first time. I think the reality hit and the emotions finally found their evil way out.
Love.....such an ugly word in so many ways. Divorce scared me. I have parents that have been married forever...I have sisters that are married....and yet here I am divorced. I knew once the ink was dry on the divorce papers I would never marry again..ever. I tried it, I failed....next adventure. In the midst of being sick....divorce....I met a guy. As Karen had put me on match.com I was contacted by this interesting guy..younger than me...just flipping adorable. Oh how he made me feel. I think I finally felt love....finally. I loved Marty...just not like I should have. Yet....a simple Tuesday night date changed my world forever...
Last year at this time my life was so different... I was in the process of a divorce...I was told I had cancer.....I fell in love. It is insane that so much can happen in such a relatively small time frame....
DIVORCE
Oye! That is a word I never thought I would write about myself. I am that girl who is loyal to the end. I trust someone until the ends of the earth and then some. I hate to think bad things about those I care about and love. I mean, how could I have friends or loved ones who do bad things? Just call me naive. Miss Naive if you do not mind. My divorce was something that should of happened years ago... We were not happy and had not been happy in so long. We both were just too comfortable (or maybe lazy) to get divorced. We had not shared a bedroom in 3 years, we barely spoke...his drinking had become an even bigger issue. It was a bad situation but we both knew that it was coming. I do not blame him for his drinking more...it was his escape. It was how he coped with being miserable. I just became a recluse. I stayed in my room or walked long walks by myself. I am sad to say that my divorce was my rebirth but in a way it was...It was probably the best decision I, or we, ever made. We are both much happier now...we are both much healthier now....all in all divorce was a win! I read that and I think I sound kind of cold about the end of my marriage...BUT we were miserable folks!
CANCER
Ok....now on to that ugly, horrible word. I read it and I swear I get nauseated. Last October I started having some insane abdominal pain...I mean fall down while walking kind of pain. It was horrific and it seemed every time it came on it was worse than the time before. One day while out with mom it hit...it hit to the point I fell to my knees...literally. I thought I was going to die right then and there at the Sam's in Hiram. (Could you imagine that local headline??) Well as my mom and I finished our adventure in shopping we headed back to the Parental Units....I thought to myself....please just let me make it back home and then I will go from there... Well. I tried to make it home. I got in my car and left Hiram...and had to pull over several times....either the nausea won or the pain had me seeing stars. I decided to drive myself straight to the Smyrna E.R. Once there I was taken back and informed they could not do anything for me until I had someone up who would drive me home....yep...since I drove myself to the ER I could not have any pain meds. Sooooooo. I got on my cell phone....in between bouts of vomiting...and begged every one I knew to please come save me. I may have even offered them money. I was hurting!! ( The lesson learned from this kids: if you are in pain...get a friend to take you to the hospital.) Well. Once someone arrived they medicated me....several times and found a mass in my abdomen. I at first thought oh, it is not big deal. That was until the nice doctor came in, held my hand and asked me to please go see my doctor. I tried to make light of it...but he then grabbed my hand and said "sweetie...please go asap." I think I got a little scared. Ok...maybe a lot scared. As I went home that night my nerves may have been a little bit of a wreck. The next day I called my doctor and she fit me in on a Tuesday. I went in...she had my paper work from the ER and she proceeded to do blood work. My doctor looked at me and said "April, I am sure it is nothing..I will call you later in the week to tell you, you are fine." I left her office with a settled mind and a settled bunch of nerves. That did not last long. As I was working that next day, a Wednesday, I got a phone call from my doctor...it went something like this..
"April?"
"yes."
"Dr. Fine said it is imperative you be at our office within the hour."
"Imperative? That sounds ominous." I giggled a little.
"So we will see you soon?" She did not giggle.
"I will see you soon."
I hung up the phone and I have to say I was a little bit worried. I mean she used the word "imperative."
The fear was in her voice AND in my stomach...literally and figuratively..
So what's a girl to do but call her mommy. I left work and met Mom at the doctor's office. I went in with a smile on my face, I mean hello....got to smile or cry. As I went in they took me and Mom to the doctor's office, not an exam room....it was THEN I knew it wasn't just a fluke. I knew. When my doctor came in and sat behind her big desk there were tears in her eyes....and she has always been this tough no nonsense doctor. She met my eyes and said "April, I was so sure it was nothing." I can not remember anything else she said after that. I remember her giving me the number to the oncologist, and telling me they were expecting my call...that their first appointment was Thursday. I remember my mom crying. I do not remember driving home. I do not remember the rest of that week. I remember calling an Oncologist the next week and making an appointment. I remember thinking...what the hell. This is so not cool. The next week Mom picks me up and off we go to Kennestone Obstetric & Gynecological Oncology Specialist. Dr. Carroll. Dr. Amy Carroll. If I have to have a cancer doctor....she is my woman. Her voice could calm any ones nerves. She gets your fear and concerns. She does not tell you what you want to hear. She tells you the reality of it. She was honest and made me see what it was for what it was. She said "April, your blood work shows you have ovarian cancer. Now let's send you for some more tests to see what else is going on." I never cried. Mom cried. I just couldn't. I do not know what was ever running through my head...still don't. I just knew the moment I broke down it was over. Mom and I left her office and went to have MORE blood work done. Dracula would have been soooooo jealous. AS we left the blood draw center Mom was saying, "it will be fine, I know it will be ok." I just changed the subject. Talking about it made it real. Typing it now makes me tear up (version 2.0 coming next) now, as it is all so dang scary..but in that moment. I could not deal with it. The next day Dr. Carroll called and asked me to come in. I knew then it was not because she just liked me. Mom and I (she just loves getting bad news with me) head back to the oncologist. There we learn that not only was the ovarian cancer test (CA 125 test) positive, so was the pancreatic cancer test (CA 19-9). It was a bit of a shock. Ok...a LOT of a shock. She then explained to me that in her tests she could see a mass in my abdomen, mass found in the e.r., as well as something around my appendix. We then decided to go forward with an appendectomy as well as a hysterectomy. Could never have babies anyway. It is ok. I took it all in...I left there I think in a bit of shock. I just kept thinking where in the world did I go so wrong. On October 31, 2013 I went into surgery being told I was having a hysterectomy as well has an appendectomy..and then we would go from there. I was taken back and the doctor explained what was going to happen. I was then prepped and put under.. I think the last clear memory I had was being poked in the stomach for it to be deadened. They poked and prodded and then I was asleep. I am sure hours passed but when I woke up there was family and friends and people smiling and crying.... then I was told.....it was not cancer. I am not sure if it was anesthesia of shock but I could not react. I think that in the path my past year had taken I was not going to get excited about anything. I was so confused. How can 2 different blood tests, multiple scans, several doctors get cancer wrong? I have no answer....I just know I did NOT have cancer. I had to remain under the oncologists care until the week of Thanksgiving. I remember that Tuesday before Thanksgiving I went for my last visit with Dr. Carroll and when I left, I cried. The first time. I think the reality hit and the emotions finally found their evil way out.
Love.....such an ugly word in so many ways. Divorce scared me. I have parents that have been married forever...I have sisters that are married....and yet here I am divorced. I knew once the ink was dry on the divorce papers I would never marry again..ever. I tried it, I failed....next adventure. In the midst of being sick....divorce....I met a guy. As Karen had put me on match.com I was contacted by this interesting guy..younger than me...just flipping adorable. Oh how he made me feel. I think I finally felt love....finally. I loved Marty...just not like I should have. Yet....a simple Tuesday night date changed my world forever...
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Let's blog bishes....
So it has been a minute or two since I have blogged..... I am not that good at keeping up with things....mainly my life. I can say this.... I am alive. My health has not been that amazing but I am still kicking. Day in and day out, I am here and I know that is something to celebrate. I still have lupus, shocking I know, I still have insane headaches, let's not all gasp at one time.....I still have a cool family....that I do push away. Yeah, I know....crazy but it is so hard to hear negative all then time when you feel bad and every now and then you just want them to lift you up. Lupus nor migraines are a mental thing. Lord I wish they were. I wish there was a doctor I could go sit on their couch and they could tell me I was crazy and it would all go away. Man! I would pay BIG money for that. Instead I get poked and prodded every other month and told my blood pressure is high, I have lost too much weight, my blood work is off, my kidneys are off, and those are just the lupus issues. Migraines well they literally have made me almost suicidal. The pain seems to have become worse as I have gotten older. I can not put my finger on it. How I wish I could. If you have never had a migraine then you are so blessed and lucky. If you have, you have my complete and utter sympathy. The nausea is worse and the pain is horrific. I wish I could figure it all out, the how's and why's, but I can't. For now, I just take my meds, which is a ridiculous amount, and hope for the best.
Still have my sweet Barnaby.. Nothing like that little thing. He loves me unconditionally...it really is amazing. I find he is the calm in any storm that is brewing in my life. Love life is just there. Some things never change....love those that will never love me back. I will always be that girl who loved to much, or cared to much...it's who I am.
Still have my sweet Barnaby.. Nothing like that little thing. He loves me unconditionally...it really is amazing. I find he is the calm in any storm that is brewing in my life. Love life is just there. Some things never change....love those that will never love me back. I will always be that girl who loved to much, or cared to much...it's who I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)