It is ok to be me....

I think my life has always been some sort of struggle for me.  I was unhappily married, I was a sickly person/kid/adolescent/adult, I was diagnosed with lupus, I let myself be a horrible relationship post-marriage....I was depressed.  Yep.  I was depressed.  It took me soooooo long to realize that.  It was such a horrible thing, or so I thought.  I was ashamed, embarrassed, mad.....what the heck do I have to be depressed about?  I mean, really.  Then as I looked into my deep dark corners I realized...I am depressed.  I found myself thinking life was not that great.  I found myself angry for just being alive.  I was just angry.  I disliked everyone.   Or almost everyone.  I could not make myself dislike the Hawaiian.  I wanted too.  I REALLY wanted to.  I just had to get there and the depression constantly made me think it was all my fault...not his.  I was the screw up..  I was the bad guy.  I am not pointing blame....but I will say this....he used me.  He hurt me.  It made me become someone I was not....someone I did not deserve to be.  As I look back, I see it.  It is just hard to see it when you are in that moment.  I am now living with an amazing friend and her even more amazing kids (sorry Ash).  I have no car....he took his back.  I may lack things and space but I am happy.  I am the me I always knew I could be.  I am the care free, happy go lucky girl that hangs out with her friends and appreciates them.  I am not the friend who hides from them to avoid being criticized and judged.  I am still not the daughter or sister my family wants me to be but I am trying.  I just want to be happy.....and it is not always easy.  I am now dating....after a few months of being pissed off and hating me...I decided it was time.  I am still unsure if I will ever marry again...but I know this.....I WILL BE HAPPY.